amused
enigmaticblues - it was too good not to share!~~
"Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'" - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
"I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'" - Eleanor Roosevelt
"Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement." - Mark Twain
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible." - George Burns
"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year." - Victor Borge
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." - Mark Twain
"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." - Groucho Marx
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe." - Jimmy Durante
"I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat." - Alex Levine
"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying." - Rodney Dangerfield
"Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." - Spike Milligan
"Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP." - Joe Namath
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it." - W. C. Fields
"We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress." - Will Rogers
"Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you." - Winston Churchill
"Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere." - Billy Crystal