A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
Fido a loveable mongrel lived at a pub and was well known to all the regulars.
One night, the landlord was ejecting the last drinker and slammed the door on Fido's tail, chopping it clean off. This caused much comment among the regular customers and the tail was fixed above the bar for all to see.
One night, some years later, Fido passed away peacefully in his sleep. He floated up to doggy Heaven and barked at The Pearly Gates.
St. Bernard came to let him in, but noticed his lack of tail. Fido explained that he'd lost it, but St Bernard said that they only let whole dogs in, so Fido would have to go back and fetch it.
Fido flotaed down to earth again and got into the pub through the scullery window.
He tried to reach the tail over the bad, but couldn't manage it. There was only one thing for it - he would have to wake up the boss.
He barked until the landlord came downstaires in his hightshirt, and then explained his problem.
"Well, I'm sorry Fido," said the boss, "but you know the rules, I can't retail spirits after hours ... "