| I have this week off, and although there is lots I should be doing, I am going to take the advice of an amazing friend and rest more than work. In some ways it feels so wrong, but then I think of yesterday morning when I didn't wake up till gone 10am. For the first time in 3 years I haven't been tuned into my phone, and for the first time ever I haven't got to account for my time to Mum & Dad. It seems wrong on all sorts of levels.
I also hate the fact I still can't cry. Mum & Dad have been my friends, parents, role models etc, and yet I still can't cry for the absence I now have of them in my life. It feels so bad, and yet I know that when the time is right it will hit me ... I suppose seeing my teenage nephews in tears round Dad's grave on Friday made me feel that there was something wrong with me.
I am hoping to get someone to look at my fence today (waiting for a phone call), I had asked Tim some time ago, but he is "busy". In fact they are away on holiday this week, so hope the weather is good.
Sadly Nick is probably going to lose his job. He has major health issues, including severe depression, and an ahour each ways drive is not helping. He loves the job, but not the drive. He admitted that he could have minimised his symptoms but realised that wouldn't have helped him. So maybe he is learning to open up a bit. For the 3 weeks Dad was dying he came every morning for an hour. He and I did chat, mostly about "nothing", but it was good to be able to spend time with him.
Well, I am going to get sorted out for something to eat ... I am sure Jiffy will be happy to see me type that.
I will catch up with comments now - theye really helped. Can't guarantee it will be today, but will be in the next few days. I shall also start to get back to LJ properly, soon. I have missed you - hope I haven't missed anything exciting in my absense. |
Don't feel bad about not crying. There is nothing wrong with you, you're just processing it all. And I'm sure the logistics of the funeral and such were taking up some of your brain...I'm sure you'll get a good cry in soon, hopefully when you're at home and have a comfy bed to lie down in or a nice cup of tea to sip on. **HUGS**
You will grieve (and cry) in your own way and your own time - don't feel you are doing something wrong, or feel that other people are judging you, you have been so busy coping and organising that I'm sure nothing has really sunk in yet.
Such a shame about Nick's job, but nice to hear that he spent all that time with your dad and you during those last three weeks, talking and mending fences.
I'm sorry about Nick's job, could he perhaps take some sick leave to recuperate and rest before making any decisions ?
Hugs, you're doing great and you have a lot of rest and sleep to catch up on after the year you've had.
I spoke to someone about it and was advised to just talk out loud to her. It helped a great deal. I would just talk away and even laugh about something she would find funny. It help, but I would also cry.
Was it Nick who was giving you problems after your mom passed? Maybe it was part of his depression.
Sometimes now I still have to brush the tears away. He died 17 years ago. My point is that you have to accept it's like a wound with a very long healing process, and it hits everyone differently. You had a very long time to sit with him and process what was happening, and that will inevitably affect how you continue to process your loss now.
Take the time. Be gentle, don't demand too much of yourself, and don't feel guilty if you catch yourself smiling or laughing or thinking of frivolous stuff. It is not dishonouring those we have lost to feel comfort or even joy.
I pray that you and your brothers will all find peace and be able to come together to support each other and enjoy remembrances of your parents.
Sending love and hugs!