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Eternal Refuge
Because Everyone Needs Dreams.
I Am Slowly Getting Myself Together 
12th-Sep-2016 12:22 pm
Dad
I have this week off, and although there is lots I should be doing, I am going to take the advice of an amazing friend and rest more than work. In some ways it feels so wrong, but then I think of yesterday morning when I didn't wake up till gone 10am. For the first time in 3 years I haven't been tuned into my phone, and for the first time ever I haven't got to account for my time to Mum & Dad. It seems wrong on all sorts of levels.

I also hate the fact I still can't cry. Mum & Dad have been my friends, parents, role models etc, and yet I still can't cry for the absence I now have of them in my life. It feels so bad, and yet I know that when the time is right it will hit me ... I suppose seeing my teenage nephews in tears round Dad's grave on Friday made me feel that there was something wrong with me.

I am hoping to get someone to look at my fence today (waiting for a phone call), I had asked Tim some time ago, but he is "busy". In fact they are away on holiday this week, so hope the weather is good.

Sadly Nick is probably going to lose his job.  He has major health issues, including severe depression, and an ahour each ways drive is not helping.  He loves the job, but not the drive.  He admitted that he could have minimised his symptoms but realised that wouldn't have helped him.  So maybe he is learning to open up a bit.  For the 3 weeks Dad was dying he came every morning for an hour.  He and I did chat, mostly about "nothing", but it was good to be able to spend time with him.

Well, I am going to get sorted out for something to eat ... I am sure Jiffy will be happy to see me type that.

I will catch up with comments now - theye really helped.  Can't guarantee it will be today, but will be in the next few days.  I shall also start to get back to LJ properly, soon.  I have missed you - hope I haven't missed anything exciting in my absense.
Comments 
12th-Sep-2016 11:32 am (UTC)
Don't worry about replying to comments - take all the time you need to get yourself through this difficult time. *hugs*
12th-Sep-2016 12:59 pm (UTC)
Tears will come later when shock wears off. Then too, for him it was a blesséd release.
12th-Sep-2016 02:26 pm (UTC)
::hugs:: There's no one right way to grieve. There really isn't.
12th-Sep-2016 02:58 pm (UTC)
I wouldn't worry about the correct method of grieving. You will handle the grief in your own time and in your own way. It is an enormous shock to lose both your parents so close together.
12th-Sep-2016 03:17 pm (UTC)
Oh, sweetie. *big squishy hugs* Just remember that we all grieve in our own ways and in our own time. Sometimes, grief goes too deep for tears. It just steals the breath right out of you. I imagine there's a part of you that's still frozen with the shock of it all, and you'll digest it in time. The absence of tears doesn't mean the absence of feeling, just that you're not ready to cry.
12th-Sep-2016 04:25 pm (UTC)
***HUGS***

Don't feel bad about not crying. There is nothing wrong with you, you're just processing it all. And I'm sure the logistics of the funeral and such were taking up some of your brain...I'm sure you'll get a good cry in soon, hopefully when you're at home and have a comfy bed to lie down in or a nice cup of tea to sip on. **HUGS**
12th-Sep-2016 04:59 pm (UTC)
*hugs* I'm glad that you are having this whole week away from work and are resting - these last weeks have been exhausting for you physically and emotionally I'm sure.

You will grieve (and cry) in your own way and your own time - don't feel you are doing something wrong, or feel that other people are judging you, you have been so busy coping and organising that I'm sure nothing has really sunk in yet.

Such a shame about Nick's job, but nice to hear that he spent all that time with your dad and you during those last three weeks, talking and mending fences.
12th-Sep-2016 06:01 pm (UTC)
Take time to rest and heal, tears will come in their own good time and be part of the healing.

I'm sorry about Nick's job, could he perhaps take some sick leave to recuperate and rest before making any decisions ?

Hugs, you're doing great and you have a lot of rest and sleep to catch up on after the year you've had.
12th-Sep-2016 06:12 pm (UTC)
In my experience, grief is different for everyone. It'll hit when it hits. (((big hugs))) Be gentle with yourself as much as you can!
12th-Sep-2016 09:43 pm (UTC)
Rest and putting yourself before work sounds like a very good idea after everything you've been through this past period. I wish you the best of luck adjusting to life without your parents to look after.
12th-Sep-2016 09:50 pm (UTC)
When my mom passed, I was so busy getting her things arranged, it didn't hit me right away. It was later when my friends would talk to me about her, it tore me apart. I would have a thought and go to pick up my phone to call her, then it hit again. It's like a gaping hole in your self.

I spoke to someone about it and was advised to just talk out loud to her. It helped a great deal. I would just talk away and even laugh about something she would find funny. It help, but I would also cry.

Was it Nick who was giving you problems after your mom passed? Maybe it was part of his depression.
12th-Sep-2016 10:38 pm (UTC)
You must allow yourself time. There is no "correct" way to grieve, and you must try hard not to blame yourself. After my Dad died I felt numb, then very, very tired. I was lucky - we went on a pre-booked holiday with friends the day after the funeral, and they spent time with the children and let me sleep if I needed to, talk if I needed to and distracted me when I needed that. Two months later, I was still crying unpredictably, especially if someone was kind to me.

Sometimes now I still have to brush the tears away. He died 17 years ago. My point is that you have to accept it's like a wound with a very long healing process, and it hits everyone differently. You had a very long time to sit with him and process what was happening, and that will inevitably affect how you continue to process your loss now.

Take the time. Be gentle, don't demand too much of yourself, and don't feel guilty if you catch yourself smiling or laughing or thinking of frivolous stuff. It is not dishonouring those we have lost to feel comfort or even joy.
13th-Sep-2016 01:19 am (UTC)
I didn't cry when my grandfather died. We knew it was coming as he had been in the hospital with complications from chemo. Cancer went away and then returned. He suffered a lot, so maybe that was why I didn't cry. People cry or don't for various reasons. You should never feel guilty about it. You can mourn someone and never cry. It's ok. Take the time to rest. Your work/errands can wait. Care for yourself.
13th-Sep-2016 07:15 am (UTC)
So sorry. Go easy on yourself.
14th-Sep-2016 08:24 pm (UTC)
*hugs* Don't worry if you can't cry yet, some time in the future it will hit you and you'll cry.
15th-Sep-2016 06:10 pm (UTC)
So many things going on, Deborah. Just reminder to take one day, one hour, even one minute at a time. I can't imagine losing either one of my parents, let alone both, and I'm sure you feel their absence keenly.

I pray that you and your brothers will all find peace and be able to come together to support each other and enjoy remembrances of your parents.

Sending love and hugs!
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